This is part 3 of 4 posts I have written about my elbow surgery. You can read them all here:
Part 1: The Emergency Room
Part 2: Surgery and Recovery
Part 3: The Ketamine Experience
Part 4: Follow Up
In the Emergency DepartmentI was in the emergency department for a broken arm and dislocated elbow. I was given Propofol for conscious sedation. For some reason, I wasn't completely knocked out by the Propofol and the emergency room staff was not able to reset my elbow. After a couple failed attempts, they decided to give me Ketamine to completely knock me out so they could really yank on my arm. The experience was very intense, so I thought I would describe it.
The medical staff entered my area in the emergency room, a bed with curtains drawn around it. There were six or seven people in the area. It felt a little crowded.
They did a safety pause. They said who I was and what procedure they were going to do (an elbow reduction) and what side was going to be worked on. They began to give me the Ketamine and asked me how I was doing. I think I responded once before the Ketamine took effect.
My Ketamine experience
I was knocked out and had no idea what was happening. At a measured pace, I started realizing that normal things just simply were not real. I would think of something, like one of the houses I lived in and as I pictured it in mind, it simply dawned on me that it simply wasn't real. I knew the thing I was picturing simply did not exist, as if it were a figment of my imagination. It was rather matter of fact. Every time I thought of something concrete, in my drugged state, I would realize it was fake. It felt like reality was literally falling away from me. Soon connections between things were falling away. I would picture two locations and how to get from one place to another. Within seconds of thinking of it, it would fall away because I knew it simply was not real. Now, as I realized things were not real, I would forget they even existed.
I started picturing peoples faces, and they would fall away from reality. I pictured my physical body and that fell away. Nothing I knew was real. Life simply was not real. All I saw was a huge white plain with a grid and light. I had the sense of energy coming from the light and from the point where my non-physical being was. This is what was real and nothing else. Nothing mattered, nothing ever existed and nothing had meaning. I could not even remember anything from the real world. I had no concept of people, of places, of self or even time. None of that ever existed.
I began to observe my situation. My first thought was: if this is what it feels like to be schizophrenic, I now completely understand what that feels like. The second, scarier thought I had was: is this what death feels like? Did I die? Did something go wrong during the procedure? I felt fine and happy. I thought if this is death, it's not bad -- I was okay with it. I am not a religious person, but I can see how this could be a moving experience for a religious person.
Slowly, I started to come down. I started picturing things from my life again. I pictured houses I had lived in, people in my life, and for some reason maps and roads. Even though I could picture them, I didn't know if they were real. It was really confusing and a little bit scary. I remember picturing different things and thinking over and over: "I don't know what's real." I think I might have even been saying that out loud. This lasted for a little while.
I was becoming aware of more things. I could hear someone talking to me. It was the nurse. She asked me how I was doing and I think I responded "I don't know what's real anymore." I remember feeling or seeing my bad elbow above my face and thinking that's simply not real. I remember also repeatedly saying in a slow dragged out voice "wowwwwwww". I think the medical staff was getting a kick out of that. I think I remember someone giggling a little bit.
At this point, I think the staff went to get my girlfriend Kate. She later told me they seemed a little panicked, as if they wanted her in my area as soon as possible. She came in and talked to me. I opened my eyes and saw her and it was great. I was so happy to see her face and know she was real. I was slowly starting to feel grounded again. I was pretty sure Kate was real now, and I knew I was in a room surrounded by a curtain, but I had no idea what was outside of the curtain. I was talking to Kate and the nurse, but for some reason I couldn't really see the nurse's face. It is hard to describe.
Nothing existed outside of my little curtained space. I now started picturing more physical things in my life and somewhat realizing they were real. I still had doubt in my mind that all these things were simply my imagination and that only that plain of white was real. As I talked to Kate and the nurse more, I came back to the real world again. I felt like I had been gone for an unmeasurable amount of time. It could have been days, but I think I was only out for 5 or 6 minutes. I'm really not sure. I do barely remember at one point having an MRI taken, but I have no idea when that was.
I'm not really sure, but I think it was several hours before I felt fully grounded in reality. It was as if I had quickly gotten back to 95% reality, but the last 5% took a while.
Looking back, I think that "white plain of energy" was actually the white drop ceiling of the hospital room. I remember there being a grid in the plain and it was about the same size as the ceiling tiles. That seems rather dumb now.
Also, the experience was very reminiscent of the Matrix movie. This is not one of my favorite movies, so I really doubt the movie had any influence on my during this experience. If my experience is typical of someone on Ketamine, I would venture a guess that the person who wrote the Matrix was inspired by a Ketamine experience. Really, it seems like the Matrix is a Ketamine trip with a little plot thrown in.
So, that's my Ketamine experience. It wasn't that bad, but it wasn't that good either. I guess I would say it was unsettling. I wouldn't do it by choice, but if I needed it in a medical emergency I would say yes. When I went in for my surgery a couple days later I asked them to avoid using Ketamine during the procedure if possible -- it was very unlikely, but I wanted to make sure they knew how I felt.
One final note to end on is that the ER staff mentioned that Ketamine is actually used in children more. Yikes!
This is part 3 of 4 posts I have written about my elbow surgery. You can read them all here:
You can read them all here:
Part 1: The Emergency Room
Part 2: Surgery and Recovery
Part 3: The Ketamine Experience
Part 4: Follow Up
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